There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
