I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
