i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
