Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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