I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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