Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
