What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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