he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i love accidental penises.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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