Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
