my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
