you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
