Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
