You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
