Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
