Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
