Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
