I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
