i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
