Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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