i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
