Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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