So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
