So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
