I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
