I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
