the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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