1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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