wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
this just has baby written all over it
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
