i just had sex bonerless
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
