I wish I could punch you in the face.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
