I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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