I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
