I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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