woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
