you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
