Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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