College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
