sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
