Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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