my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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