It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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