hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
