Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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