and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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