I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There's always time for handjobs
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
