I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
