Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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