I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Please don't give away my fajitas
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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