I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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