You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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